You know what you should do. You’ve told yourself a hundred times. Maybe it’s the boundary you need to set with someone who keeps draining you. Maybe it’s finally starting that thing you’ve been putting off for months. Maybe it’s letting yourself rest without the guilt spiral that follows.

And yet. You don’t do it. Or you start, and then somehow you undo it. And then comes the familiar inner voice: What is wrong with me?
Here’s what I want you to hear: nothing is wrong with you. What’s happening is actually very human — and parts therapy can help explain why.

You Are Not One Single Self

Most of us grow up thinking of ourselves as one unified person with one consistent set of thoughts, feelings, and motivations. So when we act against our own best interests, it feels like failure. Like weakness. Like a character flaw we should just be able to overcome with enough willpower.

But what if that’s not what’s happening at all?

Parts therapy — rooted in approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Voice Dialogue - invites us to see ourselves differently. Rather than one fixed self, we are more like an inner committee. A gathering of different parts, each with their own voice, their own beliefs and their own very good reasons for doing what they do.

You might recognise some of them:

• The Achiever - always pushing, never quite satisfied, convinced that rest means falling behind
• The People-Pleaser - endlessly accommodating, terrified of disappointing anyone, exhausted from keeping everyone else comfortable
• The Inner Critic - sharp, relentless, convinced that if it lets up for even a moment, everything will unravel
• The Protector - the one who shuts down, goes numb, or picks a fight before anyone else can hurt you first
• The Younger Part - still carrying something old; a wound, a fear, a belief formed long before you had the words for it

None of these parts are bad. Every single one of them developed for a reason - usually to keep you safe in circumstances that felt threatening or overwhelming, often a long time ago.

The problem isn’t the parts themselves. The problem is when they’re running the show without you even knowing it.

So What Is Actually Happening When We “Self-Sabotage”?

Let’s go back to that boundary you can’t seem to hold. You know you need it. A wiser, calmer part of you can see it clearly. But the moment you try to enforce it, something happens. Your chest tightens. Your resolve crumbles. You find yourself apologising for having a need in the first place.

That’s not weakness. That’s your People-Pleaser stepping in - because somewhere along the way, it learned that keeping others happy was the only way to stay safe. It’s not trying to undermine you. It’s trying to protect you. It just hasn’t had the chance to learn that things are different now.

Or perhaps you keep abandoning projects just as they start to gain momentum. The Protector might be working overtime there - if you don’t finish, you can’t fail. If you don’t put yourself fully out there, you can’t be rejected. Makes a kind of sense, doesn’t it?

This is what parts therapy reveals: beneath the behaviour that looks like self-sabotage is usually a part with a very understandable logic, doing its best with what it knows.

What Happens in Parts Therapy?

Parts work isn’t about evicting the difficult parts or silencing the inner critic once and for all. It’s about building a relationship with these parts - getting curious about them rather than fighting them.

In our sessions together, we might gently explore what a particular part believes, what it’s afraid of, what it needs. We create enough inner space for you - the grounded, observing part of you - to engage with these voices from a place of compassion rather than shame or frustration.

Over time, something shifts. The parts that have been working so hard begin to trust that they don’t have to carry quite so much anymore. Old strategies that no longer serve you start to loosen their grip. And you begin to move through the world with a little more choice - and a great deal more kindness toward yourself.

A Note on the Integrative Approach

In my practice, parts work doesn’t sit in isolation. It weaves naturally into hypnotherapy - where we can speak directly to parts in a deeply relaxed state - and into the somatic work, where the body itself often holds the memory of parts that words haven’t yet reached.

Whether we’re working one-to-one or within a retreat setting, the invitation is always the same: Come as you are. All of you. Every part.

Tracey-Anne Holloway is an integrative counsellor, hypnotherapist and somatic practitioner based at Home Farm in Shropshire. She works with individuals navigating anxiety, stress, trauma, phobias, grief, loss, life transitions and the patterns that keep them stuck - online and in person.

Ready to explore what your parts might be telling you? [https://traceyannehollowaycounselling.co.uk/contact]